At some point should you feel content? Is that defeat, or is it something you can mark off as 'done well'?

Looking back at who I have been, I have never given up on things. Things are to me as a bone is to a dog. But then, those things have never been bilateral where I am the only party. 

I always rue the fact that in hindsight I've always felt I was right and should have pushed my point further.

But this is a crossroad that I have not encountered. And I don't know what to do. There is no devil to sell my soul to. There is no surprise trick that I can muster to get on top of things.

So what IS left to do? Put on a brave face and face the music letting it become a past where I feel, looking back to it, that I stuck to propriety and feel good about it?

'how far can you run when the world is round

To end up where your tail is found'

I once wrote.

when do you realise the value of things?

All the time, really.

https://youtu.be/9pgPdKxUtqQ

This song will remain special. It's what I made my decision to.

"Thanks and sorry."

And I thought I used those words the best.

Ces't la vie.

To the one without enemies.

Its tough knowing and accepting things as they are. When hope and despair are equal and opposing. one wavers from side to side. But since its you we are talking about, we need the lens of rationality. Of clinical practicality. Of astute search for safe-bets. Because, that's how you are. Its what I like about you and am mortified about. It prevents me from peering into your heart. It prevents me from ever being sure. but worse, it doesn't prevent me from feeling the way i do. about you.
The countless simulations that i run, merrily forcing them to end in happy ever-afters, do however seem to suggest that its an exercise in futility. I am not pointing fingers. I am not blaming. I am just ruing the fact of the situation. You will never choose me. you perhaps even like me. But that can be swept away with a gentle dip in rationality. Its perhaps easy for you. And I would be happy that this wont trouble you much. but it will me.
I will have to endure it like everything else. I will have to accept that it was never meant to be. but how do you kill a desire? perhaps you dont. perhaps you just live with its unrequited existence waiting for sharp jibes to jade over time.
but its a tough thing to change the principle of life - from hope to reconciliation. It will have to be done though.
Even so, there's no harm in raising a toast to the aborted possibilities. to the things we could have made.

Stream of consciousness

Do you know what it feels like to kill a man? Do you? Do you know what it means to die?

A little everyday- because you don’t. so just shut the fuck up and listen. it’s the only way youd ever feel young you old fuck. But, the future holds promise. Can you not just help that happen and not be a selfish dick for once? For what you see is precious and always will be. A fucking cure to your ageing heart.

Do you know what It means to let go, motherfucker? It means exactly that. Eat shit and let go. Suck a cock if you have to. Suck it.

Mia Wallace and Vincent Vega will always be the best romance.

J-12

At the end of the day we are all just individuals. Locked within ourselves, forever alone. There is some fleeting comfort in waiting with another. Finding a company, or two, to quell the anxiety. But, like passengers with different stops to get off at, we are abandoned by this comfort. Like the coins in your pocket, they are seldom the same. That is perhaps why we build longer relationships. Families, spouses, children. But you know, when you are alone in a room, that is what it really is. Trying to distract yourself with the ensemble of pop culture and other distractions is futile in the absolute sense. However, there's maybe a temporary meaning to it. And maybe temporary is all we got.

I guess hope fits in here somewhere.

Don't shut it down man. Let it endure. The fact of man. The fact or humor. Let it be judged by weaklings. Let it be a beacon to all who seek. Let's stick it to the woman, for once.

It's a burden to know, for sure, more than most people in the world. It changes your relation with reality, for you can no longer burden another with the basis of your existence.

Listening to: Today - Jefferson Airplane

My father retired today. Putting it up just so I am reminded how it feels. I can only imagine how it feels to a man who is infinitely more fastidious than I am in all things life and is on the receiving end.

https://youtu.be/cGm8MG4IF0Q

https://youtu.be/JSUIQgEVDM4

Theres a bit of the Devil in this song, and the Devil isn't really all that bad as you've been told through the ages.

You can't blame me. I have Hindu origins.

Sometimes you just want to feel. With age even this ability dulls. It dulls as a slow process deluged by the clusterfuck of life. Right under your nose. It is an effort to feel, and all true effort wanes with age.
As a child, a youngling, you feel everything. All of it peppered with mirth. The mirth is what gives childhood its innocence. While mirth is the most fleeting, you can still feel.
Feeling is the only way to realise reality. It can't be articulated, rationalised or conveyed. It can only be felt.
Unfortunately with age, you need motivation, some catalyst to nucleate the thoughts, some intoxication. How else can you ever explain dependence?
What i feel keeps me inside myself. Trouble is even that memory fades and I have to crawl back to this place happy or miserable.

Still holding on to my modest goal of averaging 1 km a day run.

I must be getting old.

At one point in life, invariably, you give up. And, before you do, you can always imagine yourself doing it.

Validation is life. Machines learn. Through unimaginable labor and menacing calculations they make some sense of what is. But, in the end no construct validates what they do. Take comfort oh simple one for you are the definition of complexity.

This can't be nothing because it is something. At least for now.